OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
