I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
