been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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