so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize