Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
