there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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