This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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