so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize