The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
