i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize