...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
