It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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