Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
