Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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