he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Life is so much better after having sex.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
