Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
