I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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