you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
