I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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