and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
