She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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