if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
