woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
