Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
