last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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