On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
