I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
