wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
