I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
