I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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