Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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