I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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