The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
