apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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