if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
