it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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