After last night, I could never be a politician.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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