she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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