So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
