Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
