You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
