You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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