i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
