My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
