operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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