seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
