those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
