dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
