I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
