I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
