I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
