sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
