I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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