I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
