You really coming over, don't trick.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
