Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
