I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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