just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
